A Gift or a Curse? Introspections Two Years Post-Total Thyroidectomy

Eight hundred forty days have passed since June 15, 2022, and  I have this complex mix emotions twenty seven months after my total thyroidectomy. I often wondered if this experience has been a curse or a gift. As I have faced physical and emotional dilemmas I never anticipated,  brain fogging and fatigue, weight gain, and the constant need for medication made me think that it is a curse. However, I've gained a profound appreciation for my physical and mental health, unlocked skills for my financial gain, discovered inner strength I didn’t know I had, and forged deeper connections with myself during this battle made me believed that it is actually a gift. The idea that God makes you face and overcome challenges so you can unleash the true meaning of life.

A month after my surgery, there was one lymph node that was closely monitored, initially thought to just be leftover fluid from the operation. I tried to rest my chaotic mind, continuing my journey as I had been declared cancer-free for two years. However, the lymph node began to multiply, which pushed me to confront the ticking clock of my time. I don’t necessarily believe in afterlife, but I wish there were something beyond this life. One thing is certain, when I am gone, my children and loved ones will need support to cope without me.

My husband encouraged me to apply for a student visa, so he could get a work permit in Canada. Seeing his burning desire to secure our children’s future, I agreed. I committed myself to completing all my hassle jobs during those two years, and thankfully, I succeeded in earning my first M. It’s actually a big shot for a regular employee where you have to exhaust yourself mentally and physically to have extra income outside your primary job. It convinced me that having limited time pushes you to accomplish everything quickly. 

I thought we could move to Canada. Unfortunately, I discovered I needed another, riskier surgery. So, I moved our plan into 2026, and I was hopeful that my oncologist, our esteemed Dr. Ida—recommended by my supportive previous surgeon—could help prolong my life. I was scheduled for the second surgery in early year of 2025.

Clouded with anxiety, I asked my husband to support me fulfill my wishes before my operation. I paid off our house mortgage, bought a memorial lot for 2 (lol), secured a memorial service with St. Peter, and settled his car payments. I felt a sense of relief knowing that they wouldn’t face these financial burdens if I didn’t survive the surgery. Additionally, I set up a mini gym at home to keep me physically  active, praying for a successful recovery of course. I called it a backup plan (lol).

The complexities of my thoughts since my operation have been observed by my loved ones. I sincerely apologize to my Kuya Fritz, Kuya Wayne, and my little Fame for facing these challenges alongside with me during my emotional turmoil. I am very sorry to my husband for the heavy burden he carried because of my emotional struggles and stress. I never imagined there would be a point in our marriage where we would feel like strangers due to our differences, but I truly appreciated his kindness during my toughest times. I know you’re still there for me. Yes, it hasn’t been easy, but they’ve shown incredible strength, making me believe that there is always hope beyond these adjustments to my synthetic hormone. 

As I write this article today, I’m experiencing some breathing difficulties for 5 consecutive days already, which may be common for patients like me.

What would you expect after a total thyroidectomy? In my experience, aside from weight gain due to hypothyroidism, I’ve also dealt with brain fog, sleep problems, physical fatigue, irritability and anxiety. 

As I reflected , I realized I became more introverted because of fatigue, low energy, hormonal imbalances, and constant mood swings. I’d rather stay in bed and cuddle my pillow than socialize with others. I prefer watching Korean dramas and spending most of my time in contemplating. I always avoided unnecessary talks which led my friends and husband to think I was being snobbish. I just focus on important things and save my time for my hassle jobs. I couldn't help it—despite my logical thought, my emotions felt heavier every time I got involved in unhealthy situations.

I’ve accepted the reality that impending death is a normal part of our existence. The important question is how to prepare your loved ones for your eventual loss, and that’s precisely what I focused on—getting them ready and oriented for what’s to come.

I can confidently say that the last two years have been some of the best of my life. I'd finally explored some peaceful mountainous areas, realized that life is not just about the thickness of my achievements or heights of my education, and I finally see my worth as a person- its not about having your life partner at all, but thriving to be better even you are alone most of the time-  I walked the path that made me feel hated and misunderstood,  these thoughts made me feel genuinely at peace. I finally realized my real situation in this battle, and these turned my inner childhood wounds nurtured and healed.

One thing for sure, life has never been easy, giving in to difficulties is the true essence of defeat!

1 Corinthians 13:4-7